Abbott & Costello's, "Who's on first?" (The riverboat version.)

C. Will you excuse me a minute? Will you tell me the names of all the guys on the St. Louis

team so that when I see them I'll be able to call them by their names?

A. Now days, they give ball players very peculiar names.

C. Nick names?

A. Yea.

C. Not as funny as my name, Sebastian Dimwitty.

A. Oh yea!

C. Really? Wooooooh!

A. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

C. That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellas on the St. Louis team.

A. I'm telling you their names. There's who's on first, what's on second, I Don't know's on third.

C. You know the fellas names?

A. Yes.

C. Well, who's playin' first base?

A. Yes.

C I mean the fella playing first base.

A. Who.

C. The fella playin' first base for St. Louis.

A. Who.

C. The fella playin' first for St. Louis.

A. Who.

C. The guy on first base.

A. Who is on first!

C. Well, what are you asking me for?

A. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you, Who is on first.

C. I'm asking YOU, who is on first.

A. That's the man's name.

C. That's who's name?

A. Yes.

C. Well, go ahead and tell me.

A. Who.

C. The guy on first.

A. Who.

C. The first baseman.

A. WHO IS ON FIRST!

C. Have you got a first baseman on first base?

A. Certainly.

C. Well then, who's playin' first?

A. Absolutely.

(Pause)

C. When you pay off the first baseman every month, who get's the money?

A. Every dollar of it. ...And why not? The man's entitled to it.

C. WHO is?

A. Yea.

C. So who gets it?

A. Why shouldn't he? ...Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

C. WHO'S wife?

A. Yea. ...After all, the man earned it.

C. WHO does?

A. Absolutely.

C. All I'm trying to do is find out, what's the guy's name on first base?

A. Oh no, no! What's on second.

C. I'm not asking you who's on second.

A. Who is on first.

C. That's what I'm trying to find out!

A. Don't change the players!

C. I'm not changing nobody!

A. Take it easy!

C. What's the guy's name on first base?

A. What' the guy's name on second base.

C. I'm not asking you who's on second.

A. Who is on first.

C. I don't know.

A. He's on third. We're not talking about him.

(Pause)

C. How did I get on third base?

A. You mentioned his name.

C. If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say was playin' third?

A. No, who's playin' first.

C. Stay off of first, will ya!

A. Well what do you want me to do?

C. What's the guy's name on third base?

A. What's on second.

C. I'm not asking you who's on second.

A. Who is on first.

C. I don't know.

A. He's on third.

C. There I go back on third again.

A. Well I can't change their names.

C. Will ya please stay on third base Mr. Broadhearst?

A. Please, now, what is it that you want to know?

C. What is the fellas name on third base?

A. What is the fellas name on second base.

C. I'm not asking ya who's on second.

A. He's on first.

C. I don't know.

(A.&C. together) Third base. (Pause).

C.You got an outfield?

A. Oh sure.

C. St Louis has got a good outfield?

A. Well, absolutely.

C. The left fielder's name?

A. Why.

C. I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

A. Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

C. Well then, tell me who's playing left field.

A. Who is playing first base.

C. Stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the fellas name on left field.

A. What's on second.

C. I'm not asking you who's on second.

A. Who is on first!

C. I don't know.

(A.&C. together) THIRD BASE!

(Pause. C. noticeably frustrated.)

A. Take it easy! Take it easy, man!

C. And the left fielders name.

A. Why.

C. Because!

A. Oh, he's center field.

(C. Drops hat.)Is there a pitcher?

A. Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?

C. I don't know, tell me the pitcher's name.

A. Tomorrow

C. You don't wanna tell me today?

A. I'm telling you.

C. Then go ahead.

A. Tomorrow.

C. What time?

A. What do you mean what time?

C. What time tomorrow you gonna tell me who is pitching?

A. Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on...

(C. Interrupts) I'll break your arm if you tell me who's on first!

A. Then why come up here and ask?

C. I wanna know what's the pitcher's name.

A. WHAT'SONSECOND!

C. I DON'TKNOW!

A.&C. THIRDBASE!

(Pause)

C. You got a catcher?

A. Yea.

C. The catcher's name?

A. Today.

C. Today? And tomorrow's pitching?

A. You got it.

C. That's great! St. Louis has got a couple of days playing on the team. couple

C. Got a catcher?

A. Yea.

C. I'm a good catcher too you know.

A. I know that.

C. I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

A. Well, I might be able to arrange that.

C. I would like to catch. Now, I'm being a good catcher. Tomorrow's pitching on the team and I'm catching.

A. Yes.

C. Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up, bunts the ball. Now, when he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

A. Now that's the first thing you've said right.

C. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

A. Well that's all you have to do.

C. Is to throw it to first base.

A. Yes.

C. Now who's got it?

A. Naturally.

C. Who has it?

A. Naturally.

C. Naturally?

A. Naturally.

C. OK, so I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally.

A. No you don't! You throw it to first base!

C. Then who gets it?

A. Naturally.

C. OK.

A. Alright.

C. I throw the ball to naturally.

A. You don't! You throw it to who!

C. Naturally.

A. Now that's it. Say it that way.

C. That's what I said.

A. You did not.

C. I said I throw the ball to naturally.

A. You don't! You throw it to who!

C. Naturally.

A. Yes.

C. So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

A. No! You throw the ball to first base!

C. Then who get's it?

A. Naturally.

C. That's what I'm saying!

A. You're not saying that.

C. I throw it to naturally.

A. You throw it to who.

C. Naturally.

A. Thank you! Well say it that way.

C. THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

A. Don't get excited! Don't get excited!

C. I throw the ball to first base...

A. Then who gets it.

C.(pause) He better get it!

A. Take it easy. Take it easy.

C. Now. I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is drops the ball. So the guy runs to
second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow, a triple play.

A. Yea, could be.

C. Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to because. Why? I don't know. He's on third, and I don't care.

A. What was that?

C. I said, I don't care.

A. Oh! He's our shortstop.

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